Black Ballet Flats, Questionable Earrings and Beautiful Eyes

I just came across the most amusing Audrey Hepburn quote. I think I’m going to use this barometer when I get back out there in the dating world. Per Audrey, “You can tell what kind of a person a man really thinks you are by the earrings he gives you.” If it’s not considered too disrespectful, I’m going to add to that. You can also decide what kind of man you think he really is by the earrings he gives you.

Today, in an effort to try and save myself and others from future bad relationship choices, I’m going to put on a pair of black capris and some ballet flats, channel Audrey and offer a little dating advice.

If a man gives you these, it probably means he’s a) emotionally stunted and b) eager to make you into something you’re not. Takeaway: A man who offers you plastic baubles is not a good fit.

I saw these earrings on http://geek-glam.blogspot.com/ (Side note: I found out yesterday that the old - now closed :( - Cypress Gardens in Winter Haven is about to become the newest Legoland! Yay!)

If a man gives you these, it may mean he’s an athletic sort. It may mean he’s the consummate businessman or it may mean he has a penchant for morally shaky cocktail waitresses. Takeaway: Do your homework on this one. If you choose to proceed, proceed with caution.

If you want to buy these for yourself, go to golfersjewelry.com

If a man gives you these...

...it may mean he wants you to stop talking. You know the old adage, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Maybe he's suggesting that you take more pictures. ??? Another option is that he knows you’re a photography buff who is also into fashion. Maybe he's trying to kill two birds with one stone.

If his intentions have anything to do with the quote, consider it a deal breaker. If, on the other hand, this fashion faux pas occurred as a result of cluelessness and flawed thinking - if he thinks, for example, that this gift will earn him double the brownie points - that’s not ideal, but you might be able to work with it. Simply explain to your man that you like Scrabble too, but that doesn’t mean you want to walk around with Scrabble tiles hanging from your earlobes. (Scrabble tile earrings? Oh yeah, they make ‘em.)

On the one hand, buying you something so obvious is a sign that your guy has been paying enough attention to you to know your hobbies and interests and (more importantly) it means he was making an effort to try and please you. On the other hand, this gesture proves your guy has no fashion sense. Earrings like these are for women who are walking around in jumpers with iron on kitty appliqués on the front. Take away: This guy might be trainable. His heart is clearly in the right place. You can’t discard every man who lacks a sense of style. Better to have a real man who LOVES you dearly and who tries to make you happy than to have a Neanderthal who buys you nothing or Tim Gunn, who doesn’t love you now and never will.

The camera earrings are available on http://www.shanalogic.com/ . (There are a actually a lot of really fun, quite cute earrings on this site.) The Scrabble tile earrings can be found at http://www.supercutefactory.com/shop/

If a man gives you these, be concerned. I am quite happy for a man to spend money on me, but I don’t want him handing me an envelope full of cash. Something about these earrings screams exchange of favors. I want a man to buy me shiny things, but I don't want him to try and buy me. There's a difference. I want that line to be very clearly defined. Not only that, did you notice the denomination of these earrings? I may not be completely up to speed on the exchange rate, but I'm fairly sure there's not enough here to buy a pack of gum at the airport. If a man is going to try and buy me, I want platinum Am Ex card earrings. Takeaway: If a guy gives you these, it might be time for a change.

These earrings are actually quite lovely. They were created by a woman named Melanie Crowe, who I hope has a sense of humor. According to her site, Melanie designs her jewelry “to be full of substance, unusual, and a little bit romantic, just like the women who wear” her gorgeous works. If this describes you, log onto http://www.etsy.com/shop/damselle and check out Ms Crowe’s collection of “romantic and unusual handcrafted jewelry featuring semi-precious stones, pearls and vintage components”.

If a man gives you these and if you discover that on them is a recording of a recent argument he feels he won, it’s time to do to your relationship what Nixon once did to the Watergate tapes… hit ERASE! Takeaway: If a man’s post-argument protocol is gloating and rehashing followed by a steady diet of “I told you so”s - as opposed to the much preferable reconciliation romp - I’m telling you, he needs to go.

These earrings are from http://www.shanalogic.com/ , as well. See add’l information above.

If a man gives you these, it’s proof that he may be confusing you with a fuzzy, yellow young bird/Easter favorite, when you are, in fact, a beautiful, accomplished woman. It may also mean he’s cheap. Earrings like these should not be worn by anyone over the age of 13. If a guy doesn’t know that, he has no long term potential. Take away: To paraphrase the Jonas Brothers, which seems like such an appropriate thing to do when considering these earrings: If he gave you these, “It’s time for you to fly!”

Earrings also from http://www.shanalogic.com/

If a man gives you any of these, he’s already married… to his job. Takeaway: Don’t mess with a man whose already married.

The mini IPhone earrings are from a site called saucydragonfly.etsy.com. I popped onto Saucy’s blog, http://www.saucysprinkles.com/ yesterday. Saucy is, obviously, the mother of a teen daughter. :) She refers to herself in the third person and has cutesy names for all of her nearest and dearest, which was a tad Regis Philbin for me. On a positive note, she appears to be an amazing Mom. Per her saucydragonfly site, she’s about to come out with a Jonas Brothers bracelet and her blog describes a “Look Book” she’s creating comprised of all the snapshots she takes of her daughter’s outfits each morning before they leave for school. Because of those two projects alone, I’m giving her a pass on the third person thing. In addition to IPod and IPhone earrings, the saucydragonfly site is also a good place to go for necklaces and charm bracelets. It’s worth checking out the site just to see some of the names of Saucy's creations…. I’m partial to the Red Velvet Cupcake Charm Bracelet – YUM!, the Tooth Fairy Charm Bracelet (which among other things has a mini set of chompers, a coin and a grape soda cap on it), the Teacher’s Pet Charm Bracelet and “She Aced It… the bracelet”.

The mini Blackberry earrings can be found at picnicbybarbfeldman.etsy.com. They’re made out of FIMO polymer clay by a Toronto – based artist who must have hands the size of pencil erasers. Can you believe the detail? She’s got all kinds of cool things like this on her site. Another pair of earrings that might be of particular interest to this blog’s readers, are her scissors/comb and blow-dryer earrings. They look SO real, I halfway expected to see a mini-Barry walk up and start using them!

The floppy disc earrings were created by artist, Laura Swingle, “a full-time artist living in Southern California” whose “passion is sculpting polymer clay, especially making things SUPER-miniaturized!” Laura, a self proclaimed “child of the 80's” specializes in "retro" memorabilia, toys and video games! Her work can be found at theclaycollection.etsy.com

Japanese custom promises that anyone who folds 1000 origami cranes will have his or her wish granted. If a man gives you these earrings,

with the hope that they’ll make his after the date wishes come true, remind him that a) He’s about 998 cranes short and b) purchased replicas of handmade paper cranes probably don’t carry the same power.

** Side note, I was given 1,000 paper cranes once, back when I was 19 years old. They were handmade for me by some beautiful Japanese schoolgirls. I don’t know what they wished for me back then, as the accompanying handmade card was written in Japanese. If it was that I’d find the man of my dreams and live happily ever after, I’m here to report that these 1000 paper crane wishes aren’t exactly granted in a timely manner. Takeaway: Assume the guy just thought the earrings were attractive, exotic and fun. Assume that’s what he thinks of you too and consider keeping him around. After all, he seems like a pretty bright man.

These earrings are from http://www.hipsterchic.com/ . Hipsterchic.com features some really fun, completely unique items (from gadgets, to books, to fashion to home décor) on its site. In addition to the fact that hipsterchic.com’s wares are unusual, they’re also quite stylish and they appear to be well made. Hipsterchic.com bills itself as “the essential shopping guide for trendy, enlightened women”. It’s says its website is “very tongue in cheek”, that it doesn’t “subscribe to any one scene”, that it knows “what's hip” that it’s “not afraid to tell you!” It you’re in the market for something attractive that you probably won’t find at the mall, this is a site worth visiting.)

If a man gives you these… well that’s not good! Takeaway: Flush him!

These earrings can be found at http://www.etsy.com/shop/liciabeads . Liciabeads.etsy.com sells “handmade jewelry using precious and semi-precious gemstones, sterling, gold, vintage style floral and brass as well as the smallest of seed beads”. These earrings came from the “Joy and Giggles” section of the site. They are obviously meant to amuse. In addition to having a sense of humor, the women who designed these, an artist from the Pacific Northwest, is obviously in possession of a great deal of talent and some absolutely gorgeous beads and gemstones.

If a man gives you these, chances are good that he’s WAY too close to his mother. (You don’t think he made these do you?) The odds of this union unraveling are good. Takeaway: Yarn=yawn!

The instructions for these earrings can be found at http://diyfashion.about.com/od/earrings/ss/Crochet_Earring.htm

If a man gives you these, he’s a game player. There may not be another woman in the periphery of his life, but chances are good, there’s a guy named Chuck from Toledo with a 24” monitor and the newest version of Halo. Takeaway: There’s not a ghost of a chance this relationship is going to last.

I saw these earrings at http://www.geeky-gadget.com/

If a man gives you these, he may have groupies. (Trust me, these are not the same kind of women as yours truly.) He may decide a new amp is a better investment than an engagement ring and unless his last name is Springsteen, he’s probably making less money than you. On a positive note: people may be signing your name for generations to come. (Just ask Sharona Alperin!) Takeaway: Could be fun! Probably won’t be! There’s a very good likelihood this one’s gonna fall flat.

These earrings are from www.store.drumbum.com .

If a guy gives you these, you’re likely to come home one day and see a buck strung up in one of your trees on your front lawn and who wants that? These are a couple of good rules to live by: If the wheels on his truck are bigger than an extra large pepperoni pizza, just say no. If there is grease under his fingernails, just say no. If there are any of the following items are on his front lawn: a car on cinder blocks, an old toilet he rescued from the dump or a shrine to Dale Earnhardt, Jr made out of old carburetors and empty Budweiser cans, just say no. Takeaway: Road kill = buzz kill

These earrings are from a site called, http://anwo.com/ (Animal World Gifts). They have a huge selection of animal related gifts on this site – everything from t-shirts and blankets to jewelry depicting every species that came off the ark.)

If a man gives you these, give him some serious consideration. From a fashion perspective, these may not be your style, but there’s something to be said for a man who wants to protect you from hurt and harm. Take away: He could be the man of your dreams.

These earrings are from a site called, http://auntiestreasures.com/ .

OK…. Eww.. these have a fake drop of blood in the center of the silver hearts. If a man gives you these, he might turn out to be Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner or…. he might turn out to be Billy Bob Thorton. Takeaway: It’s not worth taking a chance on this one. a) You could end up in jail or b) You could end up with Billy Bob Thorton.

These earrings are from a site called, http://www.artfire.com/ which describes itself as an “Artisan Marketplace” , a “home to artists from around the globe” and a community that “celebrates and supports art and creativity in all forms”. There really are some very cool things on this site!

If a man gives you these and they come with plane tickets to some exotic locale, that could be a very good thing. If they come with a mini lampshade charm and/or a schedule of AA meetings in your area it's probably not a good thing... particulary if they are they are presented to you by your guy.... your entire family, your co-workers and friends who have been avoiding you lately at an event they're calling "an intervention". Take away: In both of these scenarios, it appears that the guy is caring and thoughtful. He might be a keeper.

These earrings are also from the http://auntiestreasures.com/ site.

If a man gives you these, RUN. RUN FAST. DON’T LOOK BACK. Takeaway: Get away!

These earrings are from a site called, http://www.closetheloop.com/ , which specializes in re-purposed and recycled wares. I spent years of my life in the company of someone who popped more than his fair share of these tabs, so I have no interest in wearing them. There are some nice products on closetheloop.com , though, and I obviously like and respect what this organization is doing. One of my favorite products on this site a wine bottle cheeseboard made by a Pennsylvania artist named, Erica Biery, out of recycled glass. Very cool!

If a man gives you these, he either thinks your sweet or he wants to slap an apron on you and banish you to the kitchen. While these are cute - if you’re a Sandra Lee kind of a girl - it’s a good rule of thumb to reject any man who presents you with jewelry that costs less a Denny’s pastry. Takeaway: Remember what Erma said… If a guy gives you cherry pie earrings, you won’t be living like the Jolie-Pitts. (Well, she said something like that!) **Update to post: If recent rumors are to be believed, the Jolie-Pitts may not even be living like the Jolie-Pitts much longer. :)

These earrings are also from http://shanalogic.com/

OK now we’re talking. If a man gives you these, he’s a keeper. That’s what I’ve heard anyway. Can’t say that I have firsthand knowledge. I’m willing to take a pair for the team though. I’ll give you my final verdict as soon open that lovely blue box. Takeaway: Let him take you away.

Of course these are from http://www.tiffany.com/ . Did I have to tell you that? I don’t think so! If I did, it’s time for you to go have breakfast with Ms Golightly. (I’m pretty sure Netflix can help you out with this.)

Anyway, guess I’d better offer the following disclaimer…The exquisite Audrey Hepburn broke off her first engagement and was twice divorced. I have not yet found the recipe to marital success either, though I’m only one up, one down, at this point. (I think Audrey suffered from the same ailment that I have. I refer to his affliction as a broken “picker”.)

The other day, a friend and I cornered a young man we know and love, who was talking about someday marrying his girlfriend. We couldn’t get our words of wisdom to him out fast enough. All of a sudden it occurred to me that his relationship may stand the test of time, whereas my friend and I have each experienced marital meltdown. I mean, really, who were we to be giving a smitten young man advice?

For that matter, who are Audrey and I to be giving you dating advice? While I do think you should think twice about continuing in a relationship with a man who gives you armadillo earrings.... if you do choose to keep him around, I still wish you the best (and I’m sure Audrey would as well)!

It seems unconscionable to write a post about Audrey Hepburn and jewelry on a blog about hair and fashion and not pay homage to the late actress’s iconic look. Since I am better equipped to discuss the inappropriateness of toilet paper-inspired earrings than I am to offer advice about how to achieve Audrey’s signature style with limited funds, I’m going to defer to another blogger I read from time to time. (I don’t know her personally, but she does make me laugh and she seems to share my eagerness to try and look pulled together at a time when funds are limited.) She’s Brunette on a Budget and her March 27, 2009 post http://www.brunetteonabudget.com/2009/03/fashionable-fridays-breakfast-at.html , Fashionable Friday’s: Breakfast at Tiffany’s, should be required reading for all aspiring fashionistas who are currently lacking the resources necessary to purchase designer originals and/or diamond tiaras.

Anyway, I think I’ll close with my two favorite Audrey Hepburn quotes. The consummate humanitarian, Audrey appeared to be even more lovely on the inside than she was on the outside. Here’s her advice about a different, and even more valuable, type of restoration and about how to achieve real beauty. In light of everything that is going on in the world this week, this advice seems both fitting and timely:

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”