Grounds For (The Soon To Be) Divorce(d) :)

As I believe I’ve mentioned here a time or two, I am about to join the ranks of the no longer legally wed and I’m doing so at a stage in life where some of my contemporaries are outfitting their spare bedrooms with cribs for their grandbabies. (Obviously I have friends who gave birth in their early teens.) Being single at an age that starts with a “4” is not exactly how I envisioned my life unfolding.

Dating is complicated enough when you’re in your teens and twenties. Thinking about getting back out there when you’re less than a decade away from a regular 10% discount at TCBY is daunting to say the least.

The other day I was discussing this very matter with another gal who had ventured down the aisle with a member of the "Cute, but Troubled" Club and who, as a result, now also checks "Ms" in the prefix box when filling out surveys. She and I marveled at how delusional most of our married and more or less contented friends are. “There are other fish in the sea”, these women tell us. “Just get back out there.” Some even tell us that they’re jealous of us. They tell us that they’re bored and that they long for that “butterflies in the stomach” feeling of a new love again too, but that it’s just not in the cards for them since they’re married to good guys. They tell us that they sometimes wish that they, too, could get a “do over” and could date again guilt free.

It is so obvious that as they offer this advice, they are mentally traveling back through time to that well stocked ocean where we all cast our lines in our youth. They are thinking back to a math class with a quick witted aspiring attorney and to track practice with tanned, shirtless sprinters. They are remembering sizzling hot walk in refrigerator encounters with fellow employees at their summer jobs and all of the sweet, smart, funny guys in their church or synagogue youth groups. They are remembering neighborhood boys with lawn mowers out to make a buck and cute guys in cutoff jeans and feathered hair at the neighborhood pool. They are reminiscing about the days when we were all toned and taut and tan and when every guy we knew was single. They are remembering when we all had just the right bait and when the fish were plentiful. Makes me kind of want to slap them and these are women I adore. :)

We mid-life fisherwomen aren’t out on the open seas in sleek, brand new sport cruisers. We’re sitting in the weeds on the banks of a sparsely populated, polluted retention pond with a tree branch, twine and an unbent paperclip. Making matters worse, we’re doing this while remembering what it was like to fish an ocean teaming with life in a just off the assembly line, lightening - fast water craft. We’re also remembering that when we were all given that handbook about which fish to keep and which to throw back, we foolishly refused to read ours.

Many of the fish in our 2010 pond are flying fish (who jump from woman to woman to woman). Others are experts at squirming off the hook or they were thrown back by other women for very good reasons. Some are damaged goods. Some only have eyes for the shiny new lures. Those who have never been caught at all were not caught for a reason. They are die hard partiers or commitment phobes. They live with their mothers or they prefer the company of other men. Sigh!

Yes, there are still a few decent, hardworking, smart, faithful, funny 40 year old guys who are able to fall in love and to commit in this world. They’re not an extinct species. I even know where they are. They are married to many of the women who are envying us.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would never go after one of these guys, because a) I’m not the kind of girl to go after (or accept advances from) a taken man, and b) if one of these guys would cheat on his wife, then he is no longer worthy of the string of adjectives above anyway. I’m just saying that it makes me a teeny, tiny bit crazy to hear my married friends complain about home renovation projects that take longer than they should or about the fact that their husbands have lost their washboard abs. When these gals get all caught up in their grass is greener fantasies and tell me they want to live vicariously through me, I find myself wanting to lock them in a room and give them the 411 on what a real marital crisis looks and feels like and about what kind of dating market they would be re-entering if they were foolish enough to venture out into it by choice.

Having said all that, I will acknowledge that there are a handful of women out there who have given our gender a bad name. There are women who married strictly for money and who didn’t feel like sticking around when the going got rough. There are women who decided to play footsies with co-workers or with the pool boy and there are women who spend their afternoons at the neighborhood dive bar. I don’t think there are a lot of these women around and I can tell you for certain that there are none of this ilk in my circle of friends, but I understand that they do exist. I also know that there are men whose wives have passed away and men whose wives decided to play for the other team. I am not so cynical as to think there aren’t about three 40 – 50 year old single guys in my zip code who might be worth having. The problem is that at least one (probably two) of these guys will decide he’d rather be with a 25 – 35 year old now that he’s single again and the elusive one will find himself sitting in the proverbial catbird seat marveling at his good fortune. (It’s staggering to think about how many quality single women there are out there. I bet I could name 25 without even breaking a sweat.)

So… where does this leave me and the passel of other great newly single or soon to be single 40 something gals? Well, we can either a) Give up on men altogether b) Get involved with the safe, but socially backwards guys who are living with their Moms c) Continue utilizing poor judgement in this area of our lives and date someone who isn't dating or marriage material d) Start dating sixty year olds or e) Step up our games so that if we do come in contact with any of the mythical good single guys our age who aren’t casing college gyms for 20 year olds in Juicy Couture shorts, we will be in the position to land them.*

*I know how that sounds and believe me, it pains me to say it. I’m just facing reality though. If GLSG – Good LEGALLY Single Guy has to choose between Phenomenal Woman A who has major cellulite, mousy hair and gray roots and Phenomenal Woman B who has none of the above, the sad fact is that he’ll probably go for Phenomenal Woman B. If we’re honest, we would likely do the same thing if the odds were stacked in our favor the way they are for them.

It’s Economics 101. It’s that fundamental concept about supply and demand. These guys are in a position to be choosy, so guess what? That’s what they’re gonna be. I don’t begrudge them that. I mean, if they’re decent guys who are legitimately single at this age, odds are they’ve been through some pretty rough stuff. How great for them that they came out on the other side of pain and heartache to find themselves hot commodities. Kinda sucks for us though!

This brings me to the real reason for this post. I just read about the most entertaining and economical means of combating cellulite and I felt like I had to pass it along. I understand that this is a method employed by numerous well to do and in the know (about things of this sort) Hollywood types.

Basically, you take a mess of lukewarm coffee grounds, mix in about a tablespoon of olive oil and smear this concoction all over your thighs and derriere. You then take enough saran wrap to contain all this and wrap it around your lower extremities. Then… you wait for about twenty minutes and you shower off. (Did I mention that you should probably apply the coffee ground paste when standing on newspaper or a kitchen sized garbage bag?)

Anyway, because I am genuinely committed to the well being of my few, but faithful readers and because I have opted for “e” in the multiple choice scenario laid out above, I’m going to try this and report back. I’ll let you know how it goes. :)