Now Playing in our Neighborhood: Jersey Girl

As I have mentioned before on this blog, I am currently more economically challenged than I care to be and because of this, I have had to do without a few things a gal should not have to do without. Case in point: cable. Because I don’t currently have cable, I have not had the pleasure of spending any time with the cast of Jersey Shore. (Well, more accurately, I haven’t spent any time with them for two reasons: 1) because of my annoying lack of funds and the related absence of cable, and 2) because I would probably have to put a bullet in my head, which would likely mess up my hair. I do know the group by reputation, however, given that I have an honorary PhD in pop culture. :) I just haven’t watched the show.

It occurs to me that I may soon find myself in the company of Snooki and the gang as they have been spending quite a bit of time in our fair state. (Several episodes of season two of their show will be set in South Florida - in a retirement community, on South Beach....) Obviously the hospitable thing for me to do, as an almost native - I had a little plastic Sunshine State license plate on the back of my tricycle - would be to reach out to these newcomers and clue them in as to how things are done down here.

Though I have not watched Jersey Shore, I do have some knowledge about the life they are used to living: a) My family on my Dad’s side moved directly from Ireland to New Jersey and spent several decades there before moving to Florida, and b) I’ve read most of the Stephanie Plum books.

Anyway, without further ado, I’d like to share my open letter to the most well known of the Garden State delegation:

Dear Snooki,

First of all, welcome! Grab some Orange Juice, pour some vodka in it if you must, and make yourself at home. If you’ve got a few minutes, I thought I’d provide a little info and couple of suggestions which might prove helpful to you during your stay here:

1) That sandy tract of land east of your temporary place of residence is called the beach. Shore is the last name of one of Benny Goodman’s contemporaries and a homonym for an affirmative answer.

2) Tanning beds went out with rubix cubes down here. We choose to look sun kissed, not sun groped and to do so, we go to the beach wearing our SPF 30 or we apply a little Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Daily Moisturizer. You’re looking a little too “Ross in that Friends spray tan episode” for our tastes. You might want to tone it down a bit.

3) Please don’t take this the wrong way, but Snooki sounds like a euphemism for an arthropod mating ritual. As nicknames go it’s just not cute and it will fit in here as well as Jim Bob or Hoss or John Boy would, which is to say, it won’t. You have a pleasant enough sounding first name. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go with Nicki or Nicole during your stay?

4) Let me introduce you to another six letter word starting with “s” – subtle. At the risk of hurting your feelings, it means, well, kind of the opposite of you. My mother used to say, “leave something to the imagination”. (That usually came towards the beginning of her “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” speech.) I think she had a point. You might want to consider dialing it back a bit in your fashion choices. Short skirts have their place, especially in South Beach, but a short skirt + cleavage + too much make up + a crazy fake tan is just too darn much.

5) Most importantly, you must do something about that hair! You are an attractive enough girl. Not sure if you’re going for Elvira or Sarah Palin or something in between, but whatever you’re doing is missing the mark. Might I suggest a salon a few hours upstate?

On a positive note, I’ve seen Tastykakes at Publix, so no worries. You’re not completely in alien territory. Give my regards to The Situation and enjoy your stay.

Yours Sincerely,

The HHG