A Broken Resolution/My Very Good, Very Bad Hair Day

Teenage boys in remote tribal villages have to kill animals with their bare hands. In Orlando, the rite of passage is going to work for a certain highly celebrated mouse.

When I was in the eleventh grade, Disney brought a recruiter and a bus to my high school. I got on the bus and days later found myself in a polyester “costume” - Disney-speak for a uniform - a hairnet and extra long, clear plastic gloves. There, staring down the barrel of an industrial - sized steel mixing bowl, elbow deep in a cold, squishy mixture of shredded cabbage and mayonnaise, I silently took what I call the hairnet oath. I assured myself that when my Disney days were over, I would never again in this lifetime work a job where I had to wear something so unattractive on my head. *This was one of two hair edicts I gave myself during my late teens/early twenties. I also promised myself that I would never again be talked into getting a perm. Think Rhea Perlman meets Rosanne Rosanna Danna. It was a true hair tragedy. Trust me!

Though I’ve stayed strong on the perm thing, this weekend, I broke the hairnet oath. Please don’t be concerned! This breach had nothing to do with my current state of underemployment. I wore a hairnet yesterday, because a guy from my church instructed me – and the 200+ people I spent Saturday morning and early afternoon with – to put one on.

For obvious reasons, I’ve never thought that hair bound in white mesh was a good look. I would’ve thought that white mesh over someone’s face would be even less attractive. I was wrong. Are these guys not the cutest?

They worked with me yesterday morning on a meals for Haiti project. (We put together 100,000 meals in a little over four hours. Trust me, Lucy and Ethel couldn’t have handled this.)

Anyway, no regrets! Though I am normally all about warding off bad hair days, I’m quite satisfied that I had one yesterday.

This was a very nice weekend for me – for quite a few reasons. Hope you had a good one too!

(Not) Walking Through the Storm

When You Walk Through a Storm (by Rogers & Hammerstein)

When you walk through a storm

Hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm

There's a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind

Walk on through the rain

Though your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on

Walk on

With hope in your hearts

And you'll never walk alone…
Unless you’re waiting for me, in which case, you’d better hope everyone else shows up, ‘cause I’m not coming!

Though the quickest, surest way to ratchet up one’s appearance involves a trip to Hot Heads, there are other things that can be done. One of them is to exercise. As I shared back in Oct http://hotheadsgroupie.blogspot.com/2009/10/gym-not-so-dandy.html , this is not a method I prefer. In fact, I do almost everything I can to avoid it. From time to time, I catch a little grief for this. Today, I don’t think I should.

As I believe I mentioned back in that October post, I am a member of an early morning walking group. Perhaps you’ve seen (or heard) us. We are two knockout blonds, a petite brunette who could easily pass as Valerie Bertinelli’s cousin, half of the canine population of Longwood, Fl and moi. We move with great speed down a three mile stretch of The Seminole Wekiva Trail every Monday, Wednesday and Friday starting at 6:30 am sharp. (Well, they all start at 6:30 am sharp and I can usually be seen sprinting after them sometime around 6:45 on the days I’m not subbing.)

To say the rest of my walking group is committed is like saying Heidi Montag kind of wants to be famous. These gals (and pups) are exercise warriors. They all convene in my friend, Cindy’s, garage at around 6:25 am - the girls looking like they’ve been up for hours with perfectly coiffed hair and in cute workout gear, the dogs bouncing all over the place with tails wagging eager to start the morning’s adventure.

Let me give you a better picture of the ladies I walk with…. take Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser

Add a dedicated mail carrier - (Everyone in the walking group, EXCEPT ME, has bought into that whole “through rain, sleet or snow” nonsense.)

Toss in a dose of Caesar Milan (the Dog Whisperer) – Pockets are required in the cute work out gear, so as to accommodate the requisite dog treats.

Add a little Ellen DeGeneres (the funny, sweet part...not the “I want to marry a girl part.”)
Clone this person. This is what I’m dealing with!

This morning, my alarm went off at 6:00 and I turned on the news. When I heard, Tony Mainolfi of WESH Channel 2, who bless his heart, seems to think he’s still living in New York, tell us we should all find a secure place on the first floor of our homes in order to ensure our safety, I pulled up the covers for another twenty minutes of sleep.

The girls knew not to expect me this morning, so I didn’t even get a call. Here’s my standard disclaimer: If any of the following terms: Doppler, wind velocity, rotating, column of air, vortex, supercell or flying trailer – are used in the morning newscast, I will not be in attendance on the walk. I make no apologies for that. I do want to get back in my skinny jeans, but not enough to risk my life.

Anyway, I have a few words to share with my fit and (should be) committed friends: Stay safe my pretties, you and your little dogs too!

The Top Ten Reasons I Love Hot Heads...

Since there’s so much attention being paid to the Late Night Talk Show hosts right now, I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and offer up my own Top Ten List. Without further ado, here are ten (of the many reasons) I am so taken with Hot Heads:

10. When I leave Hot Heads, my hair looks so amazing, I am convinced I could talk my way out of a ticket again, just like I did back in college.

9. I have never seen Kate Gosselin, Billy Ray Cyrus, Rod Blagojevich or Donald Trump at the salon.
8. There are no stylists or colorists wearing Mom jeans at Hot Heads.

7. There are never any giant, inflatable gorillas outside the salon. There are also never any dancing, twirling sign holders, girls in bikinis or strobe lights. People flock to Hot Heads because it is a remarkable salon.
6. There is no home office on the other side of the country calling the shots. (No offense, but I don't want an executive who has only seen the word humidity in the dictionary and who lives in a city that is under cloud cover 226 days per/year issuing edicts about how my hair should be styled. Hot Heads is a local team of talented, personable professionals who are in the business of making other people look great.

5. The Hot Heads stylists and colorists are always learning new things. They're like that guy on the late night TV commercials who is both a doctor and a lawyer.... if that guy knew what was fun and trendy in hair design. They are on top of current trends. They're fashionable and they are unbelievably skilled at what they do. (The Hot Heads hair professionals are to hair styling what Venus and Serena are to tennis, what Michael Jordan is to basketball and what my nephew, Matthew, is to Legos. There is simply no one better.)

4. There is a direct correlation between social networking site visitors and trips to Hot Heads. Well, I can’t quantify this yet, but anecdotally, I know it to be true. (In fact, I’m sure it won’t be long before Ashton and Demi catch wind of how fabulous Hot Heads clients look when they leave the salon and start flying in for a quick trim and blow out.)

3. Hot Heads has a marvelous reputation. If David Hasselhoff was a hair salon, Hot Heads would be that salon's polar opposite. This well known, stellar reputation gives the salon an edge when it comes to recruiting top talent and it keeps clients returning to the salon and referring friends. It’s simple. If you’re a stylist and you want to work for the best, you work for Hot Heads. If you’re a guy or gal who wants great looking hair, you make regular visits to the lower level of the Seminole Towne Center just outside of Macy’s.

2. If I had to put my money on who could best predict how hair would fall after a cut: Barry or the senior Physics professor at UCF, I’d put my money on Barry. I want to be set up to succeed when it comes to stying my Hair. Barry sets me up to succeed and he trains all of the stylists on his team to do the same for each of their clients.

And the number one reason, I love Hot Heads is….

1. It’s in Central Florida. Face it folks, if it were in LA, it would be so overrun with celebrities, we wouldn’t be able to get appointments.

Black Ballet Flats, Questionable Earrings and Beautiful Eyes

I just came across the most amusing Audrey Hepburn quote. I think I’m going to use this barometer when I get back out there in the dating world. Per Audrey, “You can tell what kind of a person a man really thinks you are by the earrings he gives you.” If it’s not considered too disrespectful, I’m going to add to that. You can also decide what kind of man you think he really is by the earrings he gives you.

Today, in an effort to try and save myself and others from future bad relationship choices, I’m going to put on a pair of black capris and some ballet flats, channel Audrey and offer a little dating advice.

If a man gives you these, it probably means he’s a) emotionally stunted and b) eager to make you into something you’re not. Takeaway: A man who offers you plastic baubles is not a good fit.

I saw these earrings on http://geek-glam.blogspot.com/ (Side note: I found out yesterday that the old - now closed :( - Cypress Gardens in Winter Haven is about to become the newest Legoland! Yay!)

If a man gives you these, it may mean he’s an athletic sort. It may mean he’s the consummate businessman or it may mean he has a penchant for morally shaky cocktail waitresses. Takeaway: Do your homework on this one. If you choose to proceed, proceed with caution.

If you want to buy these for yourself, go to golfersjewelry.com

If a man gives you these...

...it may mean he wants you to stop talking. You know the old adage, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Maybe he's suggesting that you take more pictures. ??? Another option is that he knows you’re a photography buff who is also into fashion. Maybe he's trying to kill two birds with one stone.

If his intentions have anything to do with the quote, consider it a deal breaker. If, on the other hand, this fashion faux pas occurred as a result of cluelessness and flawed thinking - if he thinks, for example, that this gift will earn him double the brownie points - that’s not ideal, but you might be able to work with it. Simply explain to your man that you like Scrabble too, but that doesn’t mean you want to walk around with Scrabble tiles hanging from your earlobes. (Scrabble tile earrings? Oh yeah, they make ‘em.)

On the one hand, buying you something so obvious is a sign that your guy has been paying enough attention to you to know your hobbies and interests and (more importantly) it means he was making an effort to try and please you. On the other hand, this gesture proves your guy has no fashion sense. Earrings like these are for women who are walking around in jumpers with iron on kitty appliqués on the front. Take away: This guy might be trainable. His heart is clearly in the right place. You can’t discard every man who lacks a sense of style. Better to have a real man who LOVES you dearly and who tries to make you happy than to have a Neanderthal who buys you nothing or Tim Gunn, who doesn’t love you now and never will.

The camera earrings are available on http://www.shanalogic.com/ . (There are a actually a lot of really fun, quite cute earrings on this site.) The Scrabble tile earrings can be found at http://www.supercutefactory.com/shop/

If a man gives you these, be concerned. I am quite happy for a man to spend money on me, but I don’t want him handing me an envelope full of cash. Something about these earrings screams exchange of favors. I want a man to buy me shiny things, but I don't want him to try and buy me. There's a difference. I want that line to be very clearly defined. Not only that, did you notice the denomination of these earrings? I may not be completely up to speed on the exchange rate, but I'm fairly sure there's not enough here to buy a pack of gum at the airport. If a man is going to try and buy me, I want platinum Am Ex card earrings. Takeaway: If a guy gives you these, it might be time for a change.

These earrings are actually quite lovely. They were created by a woman named Melanie Crowe, who I hope has a sense of humor. According to her site, Melanie designs her jewelry “to be full of substance, unusual, and a little bit romantic, just like the women who wear” her gorgeous works. If this describes you, log onto http://www.etsy.com/shop/damselle and check out Ms Crowe’s collection of “romantic and unusual handcrafted jewelry featuring semi-precious stones, pearls and vintage components”.

If a man gives you these and if you discover that on them is a recording of a recent argument he feels he won, it’s time to do to your relationship what Nixon once did to the Watergate tapes… hit ERASE! Takeaway: If a man’s post-argument protocol is gloating and rehashing followed by a steady diet of “I told you so”s - as opposed to the much preferable reconciliation romp - I’m telling you, he needs to go.

These earrings are from http://www.shanalogic.com/ , as well. See add’l information above.

If a man gives you these, it’s proof that he may be confusing you with a fuzzy, yellow young bird/Easter favorite, when you are, in fact, a beautiful, accomplished woman. It may also mean he’s cheap. Earrings like these should not be worn by anyone over the age of 13. If a guy doesn’t know that, he has no long term potential. Take away: To paraphrase the Jonas Brothers, which seems like such an appropriate thing to do when considering these earrings: If he gave you these, “It’s time for you to fly!”

Earrings also from http://www.shanalogic.com/

If a man gives you any of these, he’s already married… to his job. Takeaway: Don’t mess with a man whose already married.

The mini IPhone earrings are from a site called saucydragonfly.etsy.com. I popped onto Saucy’s blog, http://www.saucysprinkles.com/ yesterday. Saucy is, obviously, the mother of a teen daughter. :) She refers to herself in the third person and has cutesy names for all of her nearest and dearest, which was a tad Regis Philbin for me. On a positive note, she appears to be an amazing Mom. Per her saucydragonfly site, she’s about to come out with a Jonas Brothers bracelet and her blog describes a “Look Book” she’s creating comprised of all the snapshots she takes of her daughter’s outfits each morning before they leave for school. Because of those two projects alone, I’m giving her a pass on the third person thing. In addition to IPod and IPhone earrings, the saucydragonfly site is also a good place to go for necklaces and charm bracelets. It’s worth checking out the site just to see some of the names of Saucy's creations…. I’m partial to the Red Velvet Cupcake Charm Bracelet – YUM!, the Tooth Fairy Charm Bracelet (which among other things has a mini set of chompers, a coin and a grape soda cap on it), the Teacher’s Pet Charm Bracelet and “She Aced It… the bracelet”.

The mini Blackberry earrings can be found at picnicbybarbfeldman.etsy.com. They’re made out of FIMO polymer clay by a Toronto – based artist who must have hands the size of pencil erasers. Can you believe the detail? She’s got all kinds of cool things like this on her site. Another pair of earrings that might be of particular interest to this blog’s readers, are her scissors/comb and blow-dryer earrings. They look SO real, I halfway expected to see a mini-Barry walk up and start using them!

The floppy disc earrings were created by artist, Laura Swingle, “a full-time artist living in Southern California” whose “passion is sculpting polymer clay, especially making things SUPER-miniaturized!” Laura, a self proclaimed “child of the 80's” specializes in "retro" memorabilia, toys and video games! Her work can be found at theclaycollection.etsy.com

Japanese custom promises that anyone who folds 1000 origami cranes will have his or her wish granted. If a man gives you these earrings,

with the hope that they’ll make his after the date wishes come true, remind him that a) He’s about 998 cranes short and b) purchased replicas of handmade paper cranes probably don’t carry the same power.

** Side note, I was given 1,000 paper cranes once, back when I was 19 years old. They were handmade for me by some beautiful Japanese schoolgirls. I don’t know what they wished for me back then, as the accompanying handmade card was written in Japanese. If it was that I’d find the man of my dreams and live happily ever after, I’m here to report that these 1000 paper crane wishes aren’t exactly granted in a timely manner. Takeaway: Assume the guy just thought the earrings were attractive, exotic and fun. Assume that’s what he thinks of you too and consider keeping him around. After all, he seems like a pretty bright man.

These earrings are from http://www.hipsterchic.com/ . Hipsterchic.com features some really fun, completely unique items (from gadgets, to books, to fashion to home décor) on its site. In addition to the fact that hipsterchic.com’s wares are unusual, they’re also quite stylish and they appear to be well made. Hipsterchic.com bills itself as “the essential shopping guide for trendy, enlightened women”. It’s says its website is “very tongue in cheek”, that it doesn’t “subscribe to any one scene”, that it knows “what's hip” that it’s “not afraid to tell you!” It you’re in the market for something attractive that you probably won’t find at the mall, this is a site worth visiting.)

If a man gives you these… well that’s not good! Takeaway: Flush him!

These earrings can be found at http://www.etsy.com/shop/liciabeads . Liciabeads.etsy.com sells “handmade jewelry using precious and semi-precious gemstones, sterling, gold, vintage style floral and brass as well as the smallest of seed beads”. These earrings came from the “Joy and Giggles” section of the site. They are obviously meant to amuse. In addition to having a sense of humor, the women who designed these, an artist from the Pacific Northwest, is obviously in possession of a great deal of talent and some absolutely gorgeous beads and gemstones.

If a man gives you these, chances are good that he’s WAY too close to his mother. (You don’t think he made these do you?) The odds of this union unraveling are good. Takeaway: Yarn=yawn!

The instructions for these earrings can be found at http://diyfashion.about.com/od/earrings/ss/Crochet_Earring.htm

If a man gives you these, he’s a game player. There may not be another woman in the periphery of his life, but chances are good, there’s a guy named Chuck from Toledo with a 24” monitor and the newest version of Halo. Takeaway: There’s not a ghost of a chance this relationship is going to last.

I saw these earrings at http://www.geeky-gadget.com/

If a man gives you these, he may have groupies. (Trust me, these are not the same kind of women as yours truly.) He may decide a new amp is a better investment than an engagement ring and unless his last name is Springsteen, he’s probably making less money than you. On a positive note: people may be signing your name for generations to come. (Just ask Sharona Alperin!) Takeaway: Could be fun! Probably won’t be! There’s a very good likelihood this one’s gonna fall flat.

These earrings are from www.store.drumbum.com .

If a guy gives you these, you’re likely to come home one day and see a buck strung up in one of your trees on your front lawn and who wants that? These are a couple of good rules to live by: If the wheels on his truck are bigger than an extra large pepperoni pizza, just say no. If there is grease under his fingernails, just say no. If there are any of the following items are on his front lawn: a car on cinder blocks, an old toilet he rescued from the dump or a shrine to Dale Earnhardt, Jr made out of old carburetors and empty Budweiser cans, just say no. Takeaway: Road kill = buzz kill

These earrings are from a site called, http://anwo.com/ (Animal World Gifts). They have a huge selection of animal related gifts on this site – everything from t-shirts and blankets to jewelry depicting every species that came off the ark.)

If a man gives you these, give him some serious consideration. From a fashion perspective, these may not be your style, but there’s something to be said for a man who wants to protect you from hurt and harm. Take away: He could be the man of your dreams.

These earrings are from a site called, http://auntiestreasures.com/ .

OK…. Eww.. these have a fake drop of blood in the center of the silver hearts. If a man gives you these, he might turn out to be Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner or…. he might turn out to be Billy Bob Thorton. Takeaway: It’s not worth taking a chance on this one. a) You could end up in jail or b) You could end up with Billy Bob Thorton.

These earrings are from a site called, http://www.artfire.com/ which describes itself as an “Artisan Marketplace” , a “home to artists from around the globe” and a community that “celebrates and supports art and creativity in all forms”. There really are some very cool things on this site!

If a man gives you these and they come with plane tickets to some exotic locale, that could be a very good thing. If they come with a mini lampshade charm and/or a schedule of AA meetings in your area it's probably not a good thing... particulary if they are they are presented to you by your guy.... your entire family, your co-workers and friends who have been avoiding you lately at an event they're calling "an intervention". Take away: In both of these scenarios, it appears that the guy is caring and thoughtful. He might be a keeper.

These earrings are also from the http://auntiestreasures.com/ site.

If a man gives you these, RUN. RUN FAST. DON’T LOOK BACK. Takeaway: Get away!

These earrings are from a site called, http://www.closetheloop.com/ , which specializes in re-purposed and recycled wares. I spent years of my life in the company of someone who popped more than his fair share of these tabs, so I have no interest in wearing them. There are some nice products on closetheloop.com , though, and I obviously like and respect what this organization is doing. One of my favorite products on this site a wine bottle cheeseboard made by a Pennsylvania artist named, Erica Biery, out of recycled glass. Very cool!

If a man gives you these, he either thinks your sweet or he wants to slap an apron on you and banish you to the kitchen. While these are cute - if you’re a Sandra Lee kind of a girl - it’s a good rule of thumb to reject any man who presents you with jewelry that costs less a Denny’s pastry. Takeaway: Remember what Erma said… If a guy gives you cherry pie earrings, you won’t be living like the Jolie-Pitts. (Well, she said something like that!) **Update to post: If recent rumors are to be believed, the Jolie-Pitts may not even be living like the Jolie-Pitts much longer. :)

These earrings are also from http://shanalogic.com/

OK now we’re talking. If a man gives you these, he’s a keeper. That’s what I’ve heard anyway. Can’t say that I have firsthand knowledge. I’m willing to take a pair for the team though. I’ll give you my final verdict as soon open that lovely blue box. Takeaway: Let him take you away.

Of course these are from http://www.tiffany.com/ . Did I have to tell you that? I don’t think so! If I did, it’s time for you to go have breakfast with Ms Golightly. (I’m pretty sure Netflix can help you out with this.)

Anyway, guess I’d better offer the following disclaimer…The exquisite Audrey Hepburn broke off her first engagement and was twice divorced. I have not yet found the recipe to marital success either, though I’m only one up, one down, at this point. (I think Audrey suffered from the same ailment that I have. I refer to his affliction as a broken “picker”.)

The other day, a friend and I cornered a young man we know and love, who was talking about someday marrying his girlfriend. We couldn’t get our words of wisdom to him out fast enough. All of a sudden it occurred to me that his relationship may stand the test of time, whereas my friend and I have each experienced marital meltdown. I mean, really, who were we to be giving a smitten young man advice?

For that matter, who are Audrey and I to be giving you dating advice? While I do think you should think twice about continuing in a relationship with a man who gives you armadillo earrings.... if you do choose to keep him around, I still wish you the best (and I’m sure Audrey would as well)!

It seems unconscionable to write a post about Audrey Hepburn and jewelry on a blog about hair and fashion and not pay homage to the late actress’s iconic look. Since I am better equipped to discuss the inappropriateness of toilet paper-inspired earrings than I am to offer advice about how to achieve Audrey’s signature style with limited funds, I’m going to defer to another blogger I read from time to time. (I don’t know her personally, but she does make me laugh and she seems to share my eagerness to try and look pulled together at a time when funds are limited.) She’s Brunette on a Budget and her March 27, 2009 post http://www.brunetteonabudget.com/2009/03/fashionable-fridays-breakfast-at.html , Fashionable Friday’s: Breakfast at Tiffany’s, should be required reading for all aspiring fashionistas who are currently lacking the resources necessary to purchase designer originals and/or diamond tiaras.

Anyway, I think I’ll close with my two favorite Audrey Hepburn quotes. The consummate humanitarian, Audrey appeared to be even more lovely on the inside than she was on the outside. Here’s her advice about a different, and even more valuable, type of restoration and about how to achieve real beauty. In light of everything that is going on in the world this week, this advice seems both fitting and timely:

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”

A Little Love's (Creation) for Haiti

Whenever something really, really horrible happens in the world, like it did last week, I find myself silently singing the words to that Lee Greenwood classic, Proud to be an American. Yes, there are always a few unsavory characters who surface in the aftermath of every tragedy… shysters, looking to profit off of someone else’s misfortune, and blowhards, who don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. There are many, many more people, however, who are too busy reaching out their hands in love and kindness to pay those rotten souls any mind. I have witnessed such generosity this week, both locally, nationally... and let's give our friends around the world their due...internationally. There are first responders from all over the planet in Haiti right now trying to help however and wherever they can. There really are so many good people in the world!

I’ve been quite torn about what to write in this blog this week, as looking stylish seems so unimportant in the face of such a staggering humanitarian crisis. Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien dominated the news the week before the earthquake in Haiti, so much so that I am afraid you may not even want to hear either of their names at this point. I feel the need to bring them both up today, though, for a reason that has nothing to do with timeslots, ratings, target audiences or contracts. I found myself thinking about Jay and Conan today, as I remember being so impressed with the tone of both of their shows when they began re-airing again after 9/11. There are times when we simply have to have a diversion from the sadness. That’s what they said they wanted to provide at that time and that’s what I, humbly, hope to offer too.

Anyway, before I jump back in with the fun stuff, I did want to redirect you to my November 30th post http://hotheadsgroupie.blogspot.com/2009/11/cyber-monday-monday-just-another-day.html . In it, I highlighted one of my other favorite Seminole Towne Center retailers. It’s called, Love’s Creation. In the post, I included several pictures of the beautiful wares offered at that store. As mentioned, at that time, the store is an extension of an organization called, Harvest Time International. 100% of the profits generated at Love's Creation go to support Harvest Time International's charitable ventures. As you have undoubtedly seen on the news over the last week or so, this organization was already doing A LOT of great things for Haiti and they've stepped up their efforts exponentially since last Wednesday in order to try and meet this great new need.
Anyway, I do hope you still patronize Hot Heads, because it is a wonderful salon operated by some very caring and talented individuals. While you’re there though, maybe you can walk down the mall and buy a little something at Love’s Creation. (Obviously there are A LOT of ways you can help the people of Haiti. I just wanted to remind you that if you’re in the market for some stylish things for your home and if you’re going to be at the Seminole Towne Center anyway, purchasing some of these little gems will do more than spruce up your home.)

Like I mentioned back in early December, I don’t often get serious in this blog, but every now and then I feel I must in order to be true to myself. Thanks for allowing me to do that!

Guest Blogger: Brandy the Wonder Dog

I guess I should come right out with it. I was a shelter dog. Yep! :( I was in a crate outside of the Altamonte Springs PetsMart being displayed like some tired old After Christmas Clearance Sale sweater when Mom and the rock star wannabe first spied me about seven and a half years back. Can you believe it? The indignity of it all! Anyway, this might lead you to believe that I was desperate. I was not!

Brandy the Wonder Dog’s Relationship Advice: If you’re a cute girl and you know you’re a cute girl, don’t just go home with anybody. Hold out for someone worth having!

I wanted to clear that up right from the start, as there is a misconception about shelter dogs. Everyone thinks we’re like those Toy Story plastic clone aliens in the Pizza Planet claw game who keep repeating, almost as if they’re in a trance, “Pick me! Pick me!” I mean, really… what is the message in that behavior, clone aliens? A guy, plops down a little money and you feel like you have to go home with him? You owe him nothing, Kiddos! Anyway, excuse me for getting off topic for a minute there, but it seemed necessary.

As I was saying, even as a young puppy, I had standards:

If I saw someone in a Winnebago with an out of state license tag driving up, I turned off the charm and hightailed it to the corner of my crate, as I wanted no part of those snowbird types who might end up making me spend months out of the year up in... YIKES.... MICHIGAN!

If I saw some little foo foo girl with a Miley Cyrus ringtone and Juicy Couture written in script across her derriere, I did something as vile and as “un-girly” as possible. (I could elaborate here, but if you have dogs, I’m sure you can imagine.) I just wanted no part of wearing a pink rhinestone collar and being hauled around in someone’s purse.

If I saw a family leaving the PetsMart with a big bag of kitty litter, I curled back my lip and did my best to look menacing. I had no intention of dealing with scratch posts and persnickety behavior.

If I saw Michael Vick… well, I didn't see Michael Vick, but if I had.... Well that doesn’t even require an explanation, does it?

Anyway, you get the point. The rock star wannabe thinks he chose me. He thinks he is the one who begged and pleaded and prodded and wore Mom down. He thinks he is the reason I am now living in their home. He isn’t. I chose them!

I wagged my tail and looked deep into their eyes. I bounced around and carried on and generally looked endearing. I strutted my cute black and white stuff and shook my head ever so slightly, so they’d pay particular attention to my adorable floppy ears. They were powerless against my charms and whiles!

We’ve all been pretty happy with our domestic arrangement up to this point. Then came last week. Last week Mom did something I thought we were all in agreement should never happen.

She put CLOTHING on me!! :( Not just any clothing either… Mom has got me walking around in a PASTEL (!!!) Christmas sweater (Hello, It’s January!!!) complete with a smiling snowman, embroidered cheery seasonal message and rick rack border. Have you ever seen something so revolting?

Today I was laughed at by a group of 20 year olds. I was doing what I always do and barking at them for creating havoc around the house and guess what one of them said? “Ooooh … your snowman sweater scares me so much! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha”

Anyway, I know Mom has this blog about hair and style and such and I figured this might be my only hope. If you are a pet lover in possession of the smallest measure of fashion sense, stand up and DEMAND that this injustice come to a swift and decisive end. INSIST that my Mom take this hideous piece of cloth off my body immediately.

Thank you for your time and thank you in advance for any assistance you can offer! Brandy


The Hot Head Groupie’s Editorial Response: As much as I hate airing our dirty laundry, I feel I must respond. I am aware that Brandy the Wonder the Dog is probably a Winter and as such, would look better in brighter, bolder colors and I know Christmas is over. In my defense, this sweater was on clearance and it is supposed to drop down into the 30s again tonight.

Brandy, This is Florida, Young Lady! We don’t have cute, little dog couture boutiques on every corner like they do out in LA or a whole table of wool and down canine clothing at the local mall like they do up in the northeast. We have Target clearance pastel snowman sweaters. You’ll wear it and you’ll like it!



A few shots of Brandy refusing to look at the camera while wearing her snowman sweater!

Stay warm everyone!

Spending My NYE w/a Couple of Real Party Animals - An Electric Reindeer & A Tortoiseshell Cat

Just as there are team sports and invididual sports, there are group holidays (The 4th of July comes to mind!) and there are couples’ holidays. New Year’s Eve is a couples’ holiday.

With very few exceptions, being a single person at a New Year’s Eve party is like being back in the seventh grade. You are in possession of a piece of paper stating that your presence was requested. You don’t have on the splashiest outfit, but you are in dress code and you don’t look too out of place. You mill about the halls making small talk. You know where in the building to go when you’re hungry, but you’re not sure who you should sit with when you get there. You watch the clock a lot, eager to get home and even if you do find a kindred soul or two to hang out with, you never really feel comfortable.

When the clock strikes midnight, you suddenly feel like you’re the girl in the braces and the clearance rack clothing waiting awkwardly for two impossibly cool ninth graders, locked in a passionate embrace right in front of your locker, to unmesh so you can get your books and go to class.

Deciding what to do for New Year’s Eve this year, took some careful consideration. Because 2009 was such a challenging one for me, I wanted to celebrate its passing. I also wanted to properly recognize the arrival, not only of 2010, but of a whole new, hopefully fabulous, decade. This meant that going to bed before midnight (something I haven’t done on New Year’s Eve since I was in Elementary School) or puckering up and planting a kiss on Brandy, the Wonder Dog’s, head at exactly 12:00 just wouldn’t do. My criteria for the evening were simple:

a) Be at an event primarily populated with people I know and love. A few nice, attractive, successful, single male strangers, preferably friends of friends, thrown into the mix, would certainly be OK too. For that matter, I’d be happy to see a single gal or two. (Friendly, normal single gals, please...I think I'll pass on the drop dead gorgeous and/or conniving variety). Having other single gals in attendance would mean that if any of my friends decided to go play spin the bottle in the hall closet or anything - or whatever the adult New Year’s Eve Party version of that might be - I’d have someone to talk to and/or to commiserate with.

b) Be at a shindig where there would be an abundance of food worthy of the pre-diet reckless abandon I had sanctioned for myself for the evening.

c) Have access to a bottle or two of a bubbly adult beverage.

d) Be in close enough vicinity of a television to see the ball drop in Times Square.

e) Be somewhere other than my own home, preferably in a lovely locale devoid of any visible reminders of 2009’s woes.

f) Do something that didn’t involve a large (or small, for that matter) expenditure of funds.

g) Have fun, but have fun in a manner that would not land me in a jail cell or result in hand wringing or gnashing of teeth the following morning, and

h) Be somewhere where the likelihood of my finding myself staring at back of people’s heads while they sighed and swooned and smooched at the stroke of midnight would be minimal.

Simple enough right? Wrong!

I reviewed my options:

Spend the evening with part of my family. I might have gone with this one if not for the eleventh hour Sugar Bowl tickets, my sister and her brood acquired. They ended up driving to New Orleans instead of to Orlando, as planned, so they could watch Tim Tebow go out in style. (Yay Florida Gators!) Anyway, their last minute change in plans took this option off the table.

Spend the evening playing board games with friend T and her family. This was clearly a pity offer. While it was sweet, I chose to pass. After all, a spirited family New Year’s Eve Jenga Tournament just isn’t the same if the people carefully extracting the wooden blocks are members of someone else’s family.

Join Friend C and her beau for a Longwood New Year’s Eve version of a pub crawl. (The neighbors were all calling this event a progressive dinner, but I doubt anyone was fooled by the misnomer.)

I didn’t know the names of all of the party guests, but I knew the name of one – Jack Daniels. I knew this “progressive dinner” would involve sloshing drinks, badly behaved neighborhood canines, inappropriate jokes and too many men named Bob and I wanted no part of it. *Neither did Friend C, which is why she REALLY invited me. While she loves her sweetie pie, she wanted to have a friend with her while she and her man ran the street-long Swedish meatball to Sugar Cookie gauntlet.

*This same friend once tried to talk me into marrying her short, balding, bespeckled, pasty white, never married, socially backwards brother in law. Though this gentleman is a kind, financially stable sort, who undoubtedly would’ve remained faithful to me, her attempts to set us up had nothing to do with her concern for my well being. She just wanted an ally at the big family Thanksgiving dysfunction fests.

Had I married Friend C’s brother in law back when she was pitching that idea, I would now be on my own at those holiday dinners, as she managed to extricate herself from all of the craziness about five years ago. This New Year’s Eve afternoon, while she was busy slicing vegetables for her “Progressive Dinner” tossed salad, I would’ve likely found myself, needle and thread in hand, putting the finishing touches on a canvas bonnet and apron, so as to have it ready in time for the annual primitive camping event her former husband’s extended family participates in every January in a field up near Ocala. Trust me, I would’ve been cursing her for getting me involved in that nonsense and I don’t even curse. Bottom line: Friend C can be very persuasive and I love her to pieces, but I know when to tell her no!

Buy a trampy looking outfit with money I don’t have and go downtown with Acquaintance S, a neighbor. Commiserate with Acquaintance S about the sad state of the prior year. Drown sorrows with alcohol. Troll for drunk, single men. Hook up with drunk, single men, then try to get home safely by attempting to outguess law enforcement officers and avoid roadblocks. This is just not how I roll! (Not only that, this, too, was a pity offer! :)

Ride over to friend J’s New Smyrna beach house with friend P and her husband. Welcome in the new year while enjoying cocktails and tasty munchies and listening to the sound of the surf. On the surface this was a very appealing offer. Criteria A – G as outlined above: check, check, check, check, check, check and check. The only problem with this plan was with criterion H. There might have been another single person in attendance at this party, but based on the guest list, I didn’t think the chances were good. While these friends are wonderful and while I LOVE being at the beach on New Year’s Eve, this just didn’t seem like a good thing to do to myself this year.

So…. What did I end up doing? I ended up inviting myself over to my friend L’s place. L, who is also in transition (i.e. dealing with family drama, in a lease and contemplating a move, not thrilled with her career situation, spending her first holiday season without an ex who needed to go – but who still takes up more real estate in her brain than he should) considered her various offers and decided it would be better to just stay home and watch TV. When I heard this was what she was up to, I asked her if she would mind company. I was so delighted when she said she wouldn’t.

We had a lovely dinner of shrimp cocktail, salmon, baked potato, berry pie and vanilla ice cream and we washed it down with bottle of Electric Reindeer Merlot she had received as a workplace Christmas gift. We were just about to pop a cute and uplifting, but not overly romantic, thank you very much, DVD into the player when it became obvious that L’s adorable cat Samantha (Sam for short) was not feeling very festive.

We Googled her symptoms. There was an 80% chance they were signs of something minor and treatable and there was a 20% chance Sam was in serious danger, which could only be reversed if she was rushed to an emergency veterinarian’s office post haste.

We eyed the clock. We eyed the toddler sized bottle of wine which sat on L’s table ready to help us celebrate if the Electric Reindeer gave out on us.

We eyed the TV and we watched the cat. By twenty ‘til twelve, Sam’s health concerns showed no signs of correcting themselves and L became increasingly more worried. (Who can blame her? I’m sure I would’ve felt exactly the same way if it had been Brandy the Wonder Dog whose life was hanging in the balance.) L apologized for the turn the evening had taken and she suggested that I stay back and watch the ball drop while she ventured to the vet’s office alone. Of course I wasn’t going to let her do that. I have my shortcomings as a friend, but I would never consider letting anyone I care about go out into the night all by herself, dodging intoxicated holiday revelers and worrying herself sick about her beloved pet.

We arrived at the Veterinary Emergency Clinic of Central Florida in Casselberry at approximately 11:59 on the last day of the year from hell…three scarred and damaged gals (one with fur, two without). When you think about it, it really was such a fitting way to end such a less than stellar year.

Anyway, this is where the story takes an upturn. The vet checked Sam out and diagnosed her with something, which was causing her discomfort, but which was not threatening her life. The vet’s assistant put a syringe of something unpleasant tasting in Sam’s mouth. She gave L more of the unpleasant tasting substance to take home and instructions for getting it into Sam’s system. The receptionist gave L a bill – that part of the story was definitely not an upturn – and she sent us on our way.

So there you have it. 2009 is over. I survived it. L survived it and Sam survived it. It wasn’t a particularly good one, but, as Sam reminded us, it could’ve been worse. We all three still have to deal with the unpleasant side effects of some of the rotten things that occurred towards the end of the last decade. We have to be proactive. We have to keep taking our medicine. We have to continue to be able to laugh at life’s little crazy episodes and we have to keep moving forward. Before you know it, we’ll all be good as new.

Hope whatever unpleasantness made its way into your 2009 is either gone or about to be! Happy 2010! XXOO

Happy 2010!

As promised, in the final installment of the O Magazine Pretty, Quick Challenge. I was wearing bronzer to usher in the new year. (See yesterday's post.) The staff at the emergency vet's office seemed unimpressed. More on my New Year's Eve adventures later. :) In the meantime, Happy New Year! (So you don't worry... Sam, the adorable tortoiseshell kitty w/the cool tribal markings, responsible for landing me in an emergency vet's office at 12:01 on January 1st, 2010 is on the mend!)